baubles of my mind's eye

fugue-stasis:

Content note: rape/sexual abuse described

snuffboxisdead:

If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you may be experiencing abuse:

Do you feel pushed to have sex when you don’t want to?
Do you ever have sex to “keep the peace?”
Does your partner want sex after a fight when you don’t want it?
Have you ever just laid there during sex because resisting felt more risky?
Has your partner ever started sex with you while you were sleeping?
Has your partner refused to practice safe sex with you when you asked her to?
Have you ever felt that your partner used sex to control or punish you?
Has she ever given you a hard time about wanting to stop midway through?
Has your partner forced you to have sex against your will?
Does your partner withhold sex or affection, or does she demand it on her terms?
Does your partner use sexual name-calling against you?
Does your partner ever put you down or make fun of you about sex?
Have you ever had sex with her because you were tired of resisting?
Does your partner accuse you of having affairs?
Does your partner have, or threaten to have affairs when you both have agreed to be monogamous?
Does she put you down during sex?
Does your partner talk with others (ex-partner, friends, etc) about your sexual inadequacies?
Does your partner demand that you tell her your fantasies?
Does your partner make you feel ashamed about your sexual desires or fantasies?
Has your partner violated your limits, boundaries, or safe words?
In the context of S/M, are you ever confused about when scenes begin and end?

This is from Learning Good Consent, which you can read here.

(Note: Obviously there are very specific situations in which a few of the above are acceptable, ie, if you and your partner both know you are ok with “sleep sex”, or if you are trying to ask your partner about affairs and not accusing them in a jealous/manipulative way, or how some people consent to and enjoy name-calling during sex, etc, etc, etc. So before I get a million obnoxious comments, please remember that this list starts with “…you may be experiencing abuse” and that the above behaviors are often present in the context of shitty and abusive relationships. Please, just stop for a second and try to imagine how they are common abusive acts before picking out the specific instances in which a bunch of other circumstances make some of them okay.)

Everyone should read this. It’s been in my bookmarks since forever because it’s probably the most comprehensive “warning signs” list for sexual abuse that I’ve ever seen.

The one thing I do want to clarify is “withhold sex or affection.” A lot of sexual abusers will call their partners “withholding” for not wanting to have sex, but I think in this context “withholding” should probably be interpreted in reference to the act of intimidating your partner by quickly becoming stony-faced and cold, scaring them about what’s going to happen next (which is also called “withholding”). Someone saying “sex always has to happen with [thing you don’t want]” is probably also similar, especially if you’re feeling like no sex is not an option you’re allowed to chose.

I would also add:

do you feel like you are unable or not allowed to make requests about contraception or changing positions during sex?

and

do you feel scared about what will happen after you ask to stop?

(via queasyfemmeproblems)